I once bought Head & Shoulders shampoo in a bodega but the label was in some foreign language. It made my hair greasy so I thought it was counterfeit. Turns out it was just conditioner.

This has been “One Man’s Tale, by Taylor Berman,” a recurring showcase of autobiographical writing. Not to be confused with “One Man’s Take, by Taylor Berman,” a recurring showcase of opinion writing. Previously in One Man’s Tale: Contests.

Contact the author at taylor@gawker.com.