I say we leave the aliens alone. Not much good can come from bothering them.

People say aquariums are evil. I’d argue that it’s the ocean itself that’s evil.

Waiting in line for anything isn’t worth it.

I once bought Head & Shoulders shampoo in a bodega but the label was in some foreign language. It made my hair greasy so I thought it was counterfeit. Turns out it was just conditioner.

People who write kids' shows are weird. Who's like, "This is a thought a child would enjoy"?

I was at a concert once and someone threw beer bottles into the crowd and I caught one. That's the closest I've ever come to winning something.

Let people wear and complain about what they want. I am tired of this debate.

It's ridiculous that chefs call each other "Chef." You're not a doctor.